Logline/Hook line blogfest

Today's Logline/Hook line blogfest is hosted by Bryan of The Time Guardian Blog. Check out the other entries HERE.

Bryan challegened participants to post one-sentence descriptions of their work for feedback--up to five different versions. I found the most help for tackling this challenge in Nathan Bransford's posts on one-sentence pitches as well as his comparison with one- and two-paragraph pitches.

Describing the story's bright core is the goal here. I've written pages of sentences before settling on the four below. My book's story question is "how do you survive--and thrive--without the peacemaker?" My unique elements are ghost apperances, a British setting and religious themes. None of my hooks manages to include all of these things, and each has a slightly different emphasis.

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1. A grieving teen’s dead father appears to her, opening a window into the family’s troubled past she must understand to build a new life without him.

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2. When her dead dad appears, Dani Deane believes he might have a task for her, like Hamlet, which will help her reconcile with her cold, atheist mother.

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3. A grieving teen hopes escape her workaholic mom and build a new life in England, then her dead dad begins appearing and the family’s past comes to light, challenging everything Dani thinks she knows.

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4. A grieving teen who hopes to build a new life in England must face the truth about her estranged mother when her dead dad begins appearing and the family’s troubled past comes to light.


Which version do you prefer? Any suggestions for trims or recombinations?

NOTE: I'm out of town this weekend but still desperately want feedback! I'll visit other entries as soon as I can!